【death eroticism】

Every year on death eroticismMarch 17, when the lions are hopefully growing weary and the lambs are getting ready for their debut, we come together as a society to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, a long-standing religious and culturally Irish holiday celebrating the Feast of Saint Patrick.

It wouldn't be a cultural holiday if we didn't America it up by consuming excessive amounts of alcohol, wearing stupid T-shirts, and eating nauseating, dyed green foods.

SEE ALSO: 10 things everyone says while drunk and what they really mean

But, just like any other holiday, St. Patrick's Day inevitably comes with high expectations that are rarely met. As hard as you try to make this day great, here are some things that will stand in your way, and the reality you will likely face as a result.

Wearing green

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Expectation:All your green matches. You look cool and not like a child forced to wear green to school for a class party. You're probably wearing some ironic t-shirt that says something like "Irish you were beer" or "Just here to get lucky". It makes everyone laugh. You look ready to party. You are a St. Patrick's Day king.

Reality:You piece together scraps of green clothing of all varying shades. You're wearing plastic green jewelry and a broken "Kiss me, I'm Irish" pin that you've had since you were a kid. Or, odds are you don't own anything green and you get pinched all night by strangers as a punishment (this is a real, invasive thing people do).

Going to a parade

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Expectation:Going to a St. Patrick's Day parade is both a rite and a privilege. You plan on getting to one near you early to get a great spot in the front row somewhere on the route. There are bands, people dressed as leprechauns and tons of bagpipes. It's a blast for everyone!

Reality:Because you were kept waiting by your friends, you end up getting to the parade a half hour after it starts. You can't see anything above the heads of the people who are already drunk and screaming loudly at the people walking in the parade. After two minutes of bagpipes, you're done. Also, it's cold. Parades just shouldn't take place in the cold.

Planning things with friends

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Expectation:Is this a 'making plans' kind of holiday? I'm not sure, but if you do make plans, you're probably thinking of hitting the bars with a big group of great friends, all ready to drink the night away and celebrate this opportunity to get absolutely wasted.

Reality:You send out a mass text to all your buds and everyone, at first, says they're down. The holiday rolls around and almost everyone, after a long day at work (because it's a regular work day) bails on you, leaving you stuck going to a run down old bar in town with one of your fringe friends. It's awkward, they find other friends and make up an excuse to leave you, too. You're night is ruined. Thus, making what could've just been a normal day, into a bad one.

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The bar crawl

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Expectation:You go out with all your friends, drink and have a wonderful fun time. You might even meet someone new on this very special outing. It's St. Patrick's Day - anything can happen!

Reality:You lose half your group going from bar to bar, at least two people vomit and someone always cries. There's fighting, tons of miscommunication via drunken phone calls, someone inevitably leaves their wallet at the last bar, and there's lots and lots of yelling. You got to two bars and then go home.

Making new friends

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Expectation:You think everyone's going to be nice so, you're expecting to make lots of new friends. After all, you're all celebrating this jolly holiday together. There's a certain romanticism of a real Irish pub. You think there'll be happy drinking songs and an extra special camaraderie between everyone wearing green. It's essentially going to be a scene straight out of Cheers.

Reality:Let's make something clear: St. Patrick's Day drunk is veryyyy different from, say, a New Year's Eve kind of drunk. St. Patrick's Day drunk is belligerent. It's angry. It's loud. It's tired. And it makes for a horrible environment to meet new friends. Plus, everyone is drinking Irish Car Bombs, which is arguably the most violent drink you can order. Tonight is not the night. You will not make any friends. Stick to your own squad. Make friends tomorrow.

Food

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Expectation:Corned beef, cabbage, green foods and Irish soda bread, of course!

Reality:Eating limp $1 street pizza outside of a bar after a day of heavily drinking beer that is maybe too dark for you. And then throwing it all up later.

Weather

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Expectation:Since it's almost Spring, you're expecting it to be sunny and warmer than usual.

Reality:It's freezing, rainy and cloudy making it a horrible environment for a Leprechaun to follow a rainbow to a pot of gold, and for you to enjoy any semblance of plans.

Overall enjoyment of the holiday

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Expectation:It's a holiday, so naturally you think it'll be at least a little bit fun, right?

Reality:Nah. If you're not super Irish, it's just a regular day. Despite this realization you have literally every year, you still somehow anticipate this day with much excitement. Why? Is it because nothing else happens in March? Is this all you have to hold onto to get you through to Easter? You'll question your choices like you do every March 17.

Just like Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day is filled with too much anticipation and empty promises. It'll leave you feeling sick, sad and wanting more. But, you won't remember this for next time. Oh, no. Next year, you'll do it all over again, forgetting that the fun of this holiday is nothing but a myth.

(Don't expect to) have fun!

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