Warning: The Oh Mifollowing post contains mild plot spoilers for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwaldis a whole lot of movie, jumping clumsily from plot to plot and character to character with little care or skill in tying them together.
Yet between these expanses of idiocy, there are some rare nuggets of intrigue, seeds to stories that could grow into something people actually want to see, if only given the chance.
And so: Here are the only six things we cared about in Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.
SEE ALSO: 'Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald' is all out of magic
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable If you caught this movie in theaters on opening weekend, chances are you felt an immediate, tangible change of atmosphere when we see that glorious castle silhouette emerge from the mountains. Seeing Hogwarts and hearing "Hedwig's Theme" provide a deep comfort we didn't know we needed amid sloppy storytelling and unknown characters. This right here is the feeling that The Crimes of Grindelwaldtries and fails desperately to evoke.
We get to see Dumbledore teaching, McGonagall being badass (even though her mere existence conflicts with canon), clusters of students in house colors whose only concern is passing Charms, not tracking down an angry Obscurial for reasons unknown. Why didn't WB just green light a Hogwarts franchise that follows every character we've ever met through school?
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable The Harry Potter movies got an added dose of magic in the form of teen romance starting with Goblet of Fireand carrying us through to Ron and Hermione making out in the Chamber of Secrets in Deathly Hallows - Part 2. They injected a supposed children's fantasy series with the tender humor and pain of burgeoning adulthood, rounding the films out.
Fantastic Beastshad some lovely romantic seeds with Queenie and Jacob as well as the slower burn of Newt and Tina, but Crimes of Grindelwaldintroduces the straight-out-of-a-telenovela love triangle between Leta Lestrange and both Scamander brothers. Leta's thrilling final "I love you" to either or both of them gave me life and also took it away immediately when her character died. The whole thing was wild and scandalous and deserves its own five-film franchise!
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable These two are far too old to live out the backstory described in the Harry Potter books, wherein they are drawn together by intellectual attraction (and then some) and simultaneously fall in love and plot immortality/Muggle subservience.
Crimes of Grindelwald gives us a quick flashback to the boys' sexually charged blood oath, so why not extend the flashback, like Newt and Leta's? Why not make it a whole act, or even a whole movie in this never-ending franchise?
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable One of the rare sufferable moments in this movie is when Newt and Tina infiltrate the French Ministry of Magic and he laboriously explains to her that he's not engaged, suddenly reopening the door to their potential (inevitable) romance.
There's a lot of murmuring and longing stares, and Newt, against Jacob's advice, starts to compare Tina's eyes to a salamander's. It's a sweet moment when Tina herself completes the thought, and then they SHOULD HAVE KISSED, but then some other dumb thing happened.
Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable The origins of this character are obviously being withheld for the remaining Fantastic Beastsmovies, but after the shocking reveal of Nagini's true identity and blood curse, it would have been great for The Crimes of Grindelwaldto tell us more about her than all the revelations of the final trailer. Most of the time she just stuck to Credence and looked worried, which caused more annoyance than intrigue.
To no one's surprise, Newton Artemis Fido Scamander's London flat is a veritable magical menagerie of creatures who are effectively nannied by a benevolent woman named Bunty. Bunty learns to care for the creatures even when they bite at her fingers, and she is completely in love with Newt. Tell me more about Bunty, and please don't break her heart!
Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwaldis now in theaters.
Topics Harry Potter
Netherlands vs. Spain 2025 livestream: Watch UEFA Nations League for free
Evan Spiegel has already made $1.5 billion off Snapchat's IPO
Blind: The hot app where all the best Silicon Valley gossip is read right now
Restaurant owner won't let scathing Yelp review get away with 'alternative facts'
SpaceX's Starlink will provide free satellite internet to families in Texas school district
America's dad Tom Hanks gifts the White House press corps a new coffee machine
Disney drops fun first 'DuckTales' trailer
Don't be fooled, Snap isn't a 'camera company'
Best soundbar deal: Save $300 on the Sonos Arc
After epic drought, parts of California now have too much snow
Get the official Atari 7800+ Console for 50% off
The real stories of the NASA women celebrated in Lego form
Susan Fowler to Uber: Come at me bro
America's dad Tom Hanks gifts the White House press corps a new coffee machine
Dell S3422DWG Gaming Monitor deal: save $100 at Amazon
Wedding dress made from Taco Bell burrito wrappers is anything but mild
America's dad Tom Hanks gifts the White House press corps a new coffee machine
Here's a device that make dads feel pregnant. Hey, why are you running away? Come baaaack!
Why are TikTok comments suddenly full of religious messages?
Evan Spiegel has already made $1.5 billion off Snapchat's IPO
Jaguar shows off electric concept car in virtual reality14 times Dumbledore was the greatest fictional character of all timeThis is when you're most likely to be bullied onlineWhat will it take for the esports scene to grow up?This is why an entire country's health care system shouldn't be on the same email listLeave it to the internet to troll the supermoonMarvel 'Inhumans' series coming to TV and Imax, but the movie is still off'League of Legends' teams send letter to Riot Games detailing many issues in LCSThis book is the perfect gift for every Apple fanboy and fangirlThe Apocalypse stories aren't fun anymore. We need hope, HollywoodPBS journalist Gwen Ifill dies at 61This is when you're most likely to be bullied online'League of Legends' teams send letter to Riot Games detailing many issues in LCS'Westworld' episode 7 recap: A major fan theory is actually trueWestworld gets Season 2 renewal, along with Insecure and DivorceApple's MacBook Pro with Touch Bar is simply superbMarvel 'Inhumans' series coming to TV and Imax, but the movie is still offAustralians decide the supermoon superTourists flock to see Donald TrumpHere are the last words spoken by 'Harry Potter' characters before they die Porn traffic took a hit during the first matches of 'Overwatch' League Tide Pod craze shows there's such a thing as bad publicity Apple's upcoming battery update makes the iPhone more like Android Dutch people are sharing terrifying storm footage from the Netherlands Patreon updates content reporting tool, hires human moderators Your Amazon Prime monthly plan just got more expensive 'Paddington 2' is the best Someone had a seizure in VR and nobody knew what to do Facebook appoints its first black board member, Kenneth Chenault of Amex Ellen Pompeo talks equal pay, asking for what you're worth Someone just created a site to make browsing Netflix easier 'Harry Potter' first edition worth £40,000 among super rare books stolen from warehouse City advertises for a graphic design job, and damn they need help Quit everything, 'Chicken nugget taste Google Photos created the most perfect panorama fail The Winklevoss twins may have lost A LOT of money on Bitcoin Michael Wolff's claim of Trump having an affair is pure showmanship Apple is opening another campus, but won't say where yet Justin Timberlake admits he 'stumbled' during the 'Nipplegate' controversy Ann Curry 'not surprised' by Matt Lauer's sexual misconduct allegations