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On a warm and locker room sex videossunny Friday morning, President Trump started his day just like any other president: by going on Twitter and revealing that he just might have secretly taped the former director of the FBI.

If only the American public could hear these possible tapes, Trump seemed to suggest, they would finally see Comey for who he really was -- a useless showboat -- and reveal Trump to be the greatest president in the history of the United States.

All we needed was the transcript.

Thankfully, the same heroic stranger who slipped us Trump's tax returns also mailed us a transcript of Trump's Comey recordings. Late this morning, I went to my mailbox only to find the transcript hidden in a manilla envelope labeled "TOP SECRET." Any good journalist will tell you that "TOP SECRET" makes it very real and obviously not leaked by Trump, which means you mustshare it on cable television.

James Comey better hope that there are no "tapes" of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 12, 2017

Below are never seen before snippets from the transcript of Trump's recorded conversation with James Comey.

COMEY:Mr. President, thank you so much for agreeing to have dinner with me. It's an honor.

TRUMP: Jim, thank you for the compliment but as you know I'm very mad at you. You lied to the American people at the House hearing the other day.

COMEY: I know, Mr. President. You are not under investigation by the FBI, which I told you on two other entirely separate occasions.

TRUMP: So you made the whole Trump-Russia scandal up?

COMEY:Yes, that is accurate. It was me, James Comey.

TRUMP: Why do you lie, Jim? Lying, as you know, is very bad.

COMEY: I'm very intimidated by your presence. The size of the crowds at your inauguration and rallies, it's just enormous.

TRUMP: So I've been told.

COMEY:My men at the FBI, they love you more than me. Everyone loves you.

And I can't handle it, Mr. President. I wanted to take you down so I can be popular again. This is why I, and the fake news media, made up this whole scandal.

TRUMP: Jim --

COMEY: Mr. President, you must understand how powerful you are. You have the best television ratings of any president in history, Mr. President!

TRUMP: Please.

COMEY:It's only because I like you so much that I make up all these stories.

TRUMP:That doesn't give you a license to deceive the American people, who voted for me --

COMEY:By the greatest margin in American history.

TRUMP:I don't care about that.

COMEY:You have been treated very, very unfairly, Mr. Trump. Please forgive me. I just want to stay at the FBI.

TRUMP: As you know, Jim, I have to do the right thing.

[COMEY WEEPS FOR THE NEXT FEW MINUTES. HE ONLY INTERRUPTS HIS EPIC, LOSER SOBS TO BEG FOR HIS JOB]

COMEY (Moaning): Please, please Mr. President.

TRUMP: If you come forward and tell the truth, I will consider holding you on.

COMEY:I will them everything. I will tell them that the whole Trump-Russia scandal is a fake scandal concocted by me and CNN. Oh, and Rosie O'Donnell. And that you were wiretapped by Barack Obama because he was afraid you would win and become the best President in American history!!!! Which you are!

All because I was so threatened by you.

TRUMP: Well, you make a good pitch, Jim --

COMEY: It's the showboat in me.

TRUMP: I really hope you do the right thing.

COMEY:I promise you, Mr. President, I won't let you down.

[TAPE FINISHES. COMEY EXITS, SOBBING. STEVE BANNON ENTERS, DOES NOTHING OF SIGNIFICANCE. IN THE BACKGROUND, YOU CAN HEAR TRUMP SOLVING YET ANOTHER WORLD CRISIS AND HIS AIDES, SIGHING. THEY CAN'T HELP IT. THEY'RE TIRED FROM ALL THE WINNING.]

That's where the transcript ends.

Sounds pretty compelling.